This morning I logged into my precious Gmail account only to find that I had been meme-tagged by my good friend Jayniek of Critical Fluff and Beyond Madison Avenue fame. She's famous for a lot of other things (like getting DQ'ed from a track meet), but I'm calling out the highlights.
Anyway, the topic of the meme is "5 Things You Probably Don't Know About Me." I considered taking the easy way out with items like "1) right now I am drinking lemon-ginger tea" or "2) I'm not sure if the lemon ginger part of the phrase lemon-ginger tea is hyphenated," but that seemed too clever and ...
1) I hate "clever." Prime example: Memento. All of the dialogue in that movie could be replaced by the following: "This film was written by Christopher Nolan. Isn't it really witty and aren't all of theze CRAZY flashbacks really edgy?" Side note: Guy Pearce will always be cool because of The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Dessert. This also makes Hugo Weaving permanently cool.
2) Right now I am drinking lemon ginger tea. I keed, I keed. Number 2, really: I am very, very afraid of the dark. I have been my whole life. I can't explain it. Once a friend of my father's told me that I shouldn't be afraid of the dark because, get this, the dark was just like the light, except it was dark. I think that might be an actual koan.
3) I will only eat gummy candy, which I LOVE, if I am no more than 4 steps away from my toothbrush.
4) If I was on death row, this is what I would want for my last meal: nachos, onion rings, corn on the cob, brie en croute, green bean casserole and -- THAT's what I'm talkin' about -- jello cake.
5) I am secretly attracted to John McEnroe. It is my hidden shame. Please don't be horrified. I promise you that I am also attracted to many legitimately attractive people like George Clooney and Ewan McGregor and Paul Newman (back in the day, people, back in the day). But I can't help it. Somehow John McEnroe makes the list. Oh, and Nicole Kidman. She's on that list too.
And there you have it. Or them. Those five things are what you have.
The good people over at Beyond Madison Avenue have alerted me to a new blog, AdVerbatims, that bravely chronicles the sometimes sublimely ridiculous things said to and by marketing and communications professionals. If you work in these industries, or if you work in any profession that sometimes makes you feel stupider at the end of the day than when you started, you will appreciate AdVerbatims. Or it will make you cringe. Or cry. But it's good to know that others are crying with you.
I have recently discovered the pleasures of GoogleWhacking.
It's not what you think.
The concept is deceptively simple: type two completely unrelated words into Google and hit search. You will have achieved the coveted "pure whack" if your words produce exactly one result. It's hard. Really hard. Almost as hard as scoring 830 points in Scrabble.
I spent a good twenty minutes typing in the most obscure words in my vocabulary (ex. titmouse and connubial), but couldn't even find a combination that produced less than 10 pages of results. Nabokovian and Chiclet produced one result, but was disqualified because neither word is in the official GoogleWhack dictionary (go figure). It's on, bitch.
According to a (relatively) recent USA Today article, Boston's own beloved Dunkies is planning to arm itself with stale munchkins (Do you know how hard munchkins get after a few days? Someone could lose an eye.) and invade Krispy territory, leaving a swath of glazed carnage in its wake.
Out of the goodness of my cold Northeastern heart, I have compiled a helpful list of tips for those lucky people who will soon be entering a Dunkin' Donuts for the first time. Don't thank me. That powdered sugar on your chin is thanks enough.
1) If you think the service is bad, you're right. It's not just a temporary problem while the new stores get up and running. Best to think of it as an opportunity to get the true Boston experience.
2) 1 Dunkin' donut = 1/8 Krispy Kreme. This means that you can eat 8 Dunkin' donuts for each Krsipy Kreme you would normally consume. At least, that's how I look at it.
3) The pumpkin muffins are seasonal, like the Shamrock Shake. Plan accordingly.
4) No matter what the big orange sign in the window says, the D+D cappucino is only one small step up from that machine they have at 7/11
5) If you want your coffee without sugar, you have to say "no sugar." If you don't specify, you will get a beverage that tastes like Rhode Island's official state drink.
6) The perfect hangover cure: 1 egg and cheese on a croissant; 1 Boston cream; 1 Great One. Low-fat muffins will only exacerbate your symptoms.
Recently, Beyond Madison Avenue asked people to weigh in on two current HIV awareness campaigns. One features the headline "HIV is a Gay Disease." The body copy elaborates on this and performs a neat little thought-provoking rhetorical twist. The other campaign shows headless people getting it on along with the tagline "It's easy to lose your head when you're horney." The headless spots are stylish and disturbing; they are German. Adrants has recently joined the discussion.
Do the Gay Disease spots perpetrate a fallacy that activists and Magic Johnson have been fighting for over 20 years? The body copy is smart, poignant and well written, but who will get that far? According to several Websites, including Copyblogger, only 2 out of 10 people read body copy while 8 out of 10 people read headlines. The Gay Disease ads are smart and risky. For those 2 people who read the entire page, the risk will pay off, but are those acceptable odds for such a hot-button issue? Also, will teenage boys shamelessly masturbate to the creepy headless/horney spots?
Want to spend 30 minutes doing something that afterwards will make you remember that life is short and you really need to start living every moment like it's your last?
Watch E!'s "House of Carters."It is guaranteed to make you ashamed of yourself. After I watched an episode this weekend, I was convinced that the University of Connecticut was going to bust down my door and repossess the diploma they gave me lo those many years ago, which is a long winded way of saying that THIS SHOW MAKES YOU STUPIDER AS YOU WATCH.
The fact that Nick and Aaron Carter could buy and sell me like pork bellies is beyond depressing. The only thing keeping me from Carter-induced suicide is this skit from the good people over at SNL. Some people in the entertainment industry are still actually talented and entertaining and deserving of their fame, fortune and designer drugs.
Those crazy kids over at Gawker have recently expanded their public service by creating a Douchebag Hall of Fame (BTW, according to Microsoft Word, "Douchebag" is two words, i.e. "Douche Bag"). This is a great idea and sure to provide hours of the highest form of Edutainment. However, they refuse to include "any run-of-the-mill douchebag; we want top notch douchebags, whose notoriety has come via the wonder of the Internet. " I believe that run-of-the-mill Douchebags (or Douche Bags) deserve thier moment to shine. So, in a selfless act of generosity (which is in no way a desperate attempt to get some comments up in this blog), I would like to open up the comments section of this post to those of you who know someone who is worthy of Douchebag (or Douche Bag) recognition, but does not qualify for Gawker's high-falutin' "Douchebag Hall of Fame."
Not sure what to write? Here, I'll get you started.
Dear Tedious Charm, I would like to nominate to the Douchebag (or Douche Bag) Hall of Mediocrity every boyfriend I ever had before I met my husband. I would also like to nominate anyone who read the previous sentence and sinckered, "Well, THAT'S a short list."
I'm a little behind the times, but Butler, Shine, Stern & Partners has an interesting "Secret Decoder Campaign" running for MINI (thanks, AdRants). You can also check it out at the GBMINI WEBLOG. Apparently, MINI placed ads that you can only read with a decoder that was sent exclusively to MINI owners. Cool idea, but there's one catch: isn't advertising supposed reel in new customers, especially for a product like a car that most people don't buy more than once every 3-5 years?
The opportunity to read an ad that I tore out of a magazine at my doctor's office is NOT going to push me to make a purchase decision. But I've helpfully compiled a list of "reveals" that might get me to buy a MINI, if I was shopping for a car anyway:
1) An official outline of the next 5 seasons of LOST written by JJ Abrams and hand delivered Josh Holloway
2) The name of the man Carly Simon is singing about in "You're So Vain"
3) The last chapter of Harry Potter book number 7 -- also hand delivered by Josh Holloway Come on, MINI, get on it. The 1999 Honda my mother gave me 2 years ago ain't getting any younger.
Here's a very funny little ditty from Thomas F. Wilson, the guy who played Biff in the Back to the Future series. Who knew that years later he would be the charming one and Crispin Glover would be the guy mother's are talking about when they disciss "stranger danger" with their children?
I'm not such a fan of weird for weirdness' sake in advertising. Most of the time the weirdness serves little or no function and only comes across as a desperate attempt to be, ugh, edgy.
The Burger King ads featuring The King are a perfect example. They are creepy and seem like they were generated in response to a concepting meeting that started like this: "All right team, we've decided to differentiate ourselves from McDonald's by becoming -- are you ready for this? -- THE hip, random, ironic burger place. Genius, right? Okay. You have two hours to come up with something good or you're fired."
However, the new ads from Skittles are an exception. My favorite example is the "Singing Rabbit" ad. I don't know why this ad makes me giggle when other, similar ads only make me want to change the channel and my career, but it does.
I saw a banner ad on VanityFair.com showing a perky career woman wearing a kicky scarf. Very Mary Tyler Moore, and I'm always a sucker for anything VMTM.
It took me a moment to realize that it was a -- gasp! -- Wal-Mart advertisement. Apparently, Wal-Mart has taken a leaf from Target's book and is trying to bring fashion to the masses with original designs from Mark Eisen. The tagline is very understated: "George M.E. has arrived."
I don't know how long it's been since a Wal-Mart CXO has actually been in one of their stores, but I'm not sure they're on the right track.
Here's a tagline that might play better with their core demographic: "Wal-Mart: the cheap one-stop shop for all your tacky jewlery, video game, and firearm needs. We also sell tightey-whiteys and light bulbs."
As a recovering Tom Cruise fan, I find this spoof by Scott Rankin funny AND bittersweet. This is about as seriously as I can take Maverick anymore, and yet part of me still longs for the days when we all actally believed Tom was the epitome of cool as well as the Handsomest Man Alive.
Don't pretend you didn't. This was the '80's, the Time Before Irony.
Thanks to AdRANTs for bringing Caaktall to my attention and allowing me one more opportunity to wish I was Elizabeth Shue.
Also, I'd like to point out that Mr. Rankin's editing/timing is absolutely flawless, besting even that of the fine creators of Brokeback to the Future.
According to Boston.com, John Kerry wants to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies and abortions.
Maybe when he makes another run for the presidency in 2008, instead of rubber Lance Armstrong Bracelets, he and his campaigners can wear brightly colored NuvaRings.
Apparently the NuvaRing once-a-month contraceptive device was invented to stop women of low intelligence from procreating.
We can deduce this from the fact that the commercial employs juvenile, nonsensical, sing-song rhymes intended to hypnotize unsuspecting simple-minded women and cause them to burst into the office of their local lady-parts doctor chanting "Every week or every day? Not now, no way."
Then again, if their target audience is women who can't be bothered to spend 30 seconds taking a pill every day, maybe NuvaRing is on to something.
